Blog Post - Fierce & Free Revolution

How do you project confidence in a relationship?

The general rule is that confidence is one of those things you fake till it becomes real, while I could see the point in this, the counter point is that in relationships, I feel like you’re holding the emotions of someone else in your hands so faking it won’t cut it as all it takes is one false move and the trust is lost.

Therefore I work on the actions needed to gain that confidence so I’m not just trying to be confident but I’m actually confident because I’ve done the work. Now the main problem is what about situations that I’m not sure of, do I fake it but feel inadequate W because I can’t say for sure or do I say how I feel and therefore risk being seen as not providing security in the relationship

Why are you holding the other person’s emotions? The only emotions you are responsible for are your own. A lot of relationship insecurity comes from trying to manage someone else’s internal world. Your job isn’t to make them happy or live up to their expectations. It is to be radically, authentically yourself. It is their job to decide if who you are aligns with what they want. Trust is built over time through both people respecting each other’s boundaries, being honest about their feelings, and showing they can stand on their own emotionally.

Learn more about emotional responsibility and boundaries
Research on emotional boundaries

“Could you expand more on this while also noting that most partnerships have some form of compromise needed, ie instead of being brutal honesty, you tend to placate her feelings in a way that still shows you care for her”

Compromise in a relationship is not about placating someone’s feelings. It is not about lying, hiding, or pretending to be someone you are not to keep your partner comfortable. Real compromise is like planning a road trip together. You might want to drive through the mountains and they want to stick to the coast. You don’t erase your preference or fake excitement just to avoid conflict. Instead, you negotiate, take turns, find a route that includes both your desires, and enjoy the ride together. Both people’s needs are respected and both voices are heard.

If you feel like you have to filter your honesty to keep her comfortable, that is emotional manipulation (even if you’re doing it “for her good.”) You’re shaping her experience of the relationship instead of letting her handle her own feelings. Real intimacy thrives on honesty delivered with care. Your job is to own your feelings, communicate them clearly, and let her handle hers. Pretending just to keep her comfortable is self betrayal, not love.

A good example of relationship confidence is how my partner and I handle buying vehicles. Early on, he wanted a car payment, and I suggested buying a $1,000 beater while saving for the long term. I could have pretended to agree to keep him comfortable. That would have been placating him. For example, I could have said, “Yeah, honey, a car payment sounds perfect, you’re so smart,” even though I did not believe it. That would have been me emotionally holding him, trying to manage how he felt so the conversation stayed smooth. I did not do that.

Just because I disagreed with him did not mean I had to change my beliefs or force him to change his. I was not worried about hurting his feelings. His feelings are his responsibility. Ultimately, we went the used car route and were able to save $3,000.

A year later, our van died, and he wanted to use the $3,000 we had saved as a down payment on a new van. I suggested sticking with the used car plan, but he went ahead with a dealership purchase and committed to a $400-a-month payment. I didn’t complain because the end goal, having a vehicle for our family, was still achieved. About a year later, we were in a car accident and totaled the van. The $1,000 car was still running, but because of the ongoing car payment, this time we had no savings to put toward a new vehicle.

When the conversation came up again about buying a new car, he wanted another dealership purchase. I could have been brutally honest in a way that would have made him defensive. For example, I could have said, “You made a terrible choice doing that last time while my used car idea worked perfectly before.”

Instead, I calmly said, “You know how I feel about car payments. I have felt this way for five years. However you are the one in charge of financial decisions, and I trust you to make the best decision for our family. I am willing to wait and buy a beater, but if you want a dealership car, that is fine. As long as we have a vehicle, that is all that matters.”

My confidence showed up in knowing my values, speaking my truth without fear, respecting his choices, and trusting us both to handle our responsibility to accomplish our shared goal. His confidence showed up in listening to my opinion, valuing it, and making the decision he believed was best. He trusts himself to make financial choices even when they differ from how I feel, and that trust makes our partnership strong.

Learn more about compromise without losing yourself
Study on communication and relationship satisfaction